This blog is for people who are or who have been affected in some way by ASPD – Anti-Social Personality Disorder- previously known within the psychiatric community as two separate, distinct disorders: sociopathy and psychopathy. Hitherto, I will refer to this umbrella diagnosis as “sociopathy”, although it should be noted that certain distinctives exist between psychopathy and sociopathy.
Just what is ASPD, anyway?
ASDP is a personality disorder. Those affected by it do not suffer from psychoses; they do not have trouble differentiating the real from the imaginary, nor do they suffer from delusions or hallucinations. The most notable traits associated with this condition are a lack of empathy, lack of remorse, callousness, glib, superficial charm, shallow affect (short-lived, shallow emotional responses), blunted reactions to pain and fear, poor impulse control, and, frequently, uncontrolled rage and violent outbursts. Sociopathy has sometimes been called “moral insanity”.
The sociopath may manipulate others so as to achieve a desired outcome without regard for how it will affect those he mistreats along the way, and he may or may not do this in a conscious manner. He will frequently derive pleasure from volatile interactions in which he exposes and uses the vulnerabilities of others against them. The sociopath loves to argue and may be extremely self-centered, yet he is frequently intelligent and articulate, and he will always rationalize his outbursts in a manner that seeks to “justify” his behaviors. He may be involved in illegal activities without any concern for societal constraints or legal repercussions. He may leave behind a string of unpaid debts, broken relationships, and a legacy of irresponsible conduct.
Although sociopathy cannot be formally diagnosed until a child has reached the age of 18, the condition may be present before then and is often diagnosed as conduct disorder or oppositional-defiance disorder (ODD). All current evidence suggests that these disorders have genetic, biological origins, but may also stem from environmental influences.
A Generational Curse and a Personal Encounter with God:
I am genetically predisposed to ASPD through my father (who is a psychopath) and maternal uncle (whom I strongly suspect is a sociopath). I exhibit, or have exhibited at some point in my life, many of the traits associated with ASPD, including a tendency towards violence, poor impulse control, blunted reactions to fear and pain, and a dulled sense of empathy. I believe I was bent towards psychopathy, in particular, from childhood, and that many of these characteristics persist in my nature to this day. (Read my story and judge for yourself.) I seek to put them to death in Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior, or to sublimate them in a way that poses no harm to myself or others.
You will note that I am not a diagnosed psychopath or sociopath, nor do I claim to be either at this point in my life. At 21, I believe that I had a very personal encounter with God that changed the course of my life forever. This is the overarching context in which I wish to speak openly, for the very first time, about a condition that I have recently identified in myself. If you cannot handle a faith-based perspective, don’t bother searching here.
Now that I understand what I am naturally inclined to be, I am even more grateful for God’s presence in my life. Left to my own devices, I don’t have much of a conscience. My belief in Christ has given me the moral compass and identity I have always lacked, but I still struggle with many issues that I have not been able to resolve over the years. I never understood what predisposed me to being so callous and empathetic, when the vast majority of my Christian acquaintances have a much easier time playing nice. That this cluster of traits and behavioral patterns should have a name is both disturbing and oddly comforting to me.
At the age of 15, I was diagnosed with ODD (oppositional-defiance disorder), although I manipulated my therapist and rarely told her the truth about anything. I certainly never told her about all the vandalism, dishonesty, deliberate manipulation, pervasive violence, and substance abuse that characterized my life at the time. In reality, I was a walking poster child for the more serious conduct disorder.
Now that I have become self-aware, I do not intend to seek therapy, in large part due to the stigma associated with ASPD. Nor do I intend to turn to my community: I have no burning, overwhelming desire to admit to my local body of Christ that I am, or was, a psychopath! I have a hard enough time maintaining authentic relationships with these good folks, because I cannot connect deeply with people. Besides, I do not think many of them could relate to the nature of my struggles.
More importantly, as a Christian, I do not believe in everything that secular psychology has to proffer. I think that psychopathy and sociopathy are manifestations of what the Bible calls a generational curse, something I delve into more deeply elsewhere on this blog.
Moreover, I believe these conditions exist along a spectrum, and have complimentary, positive qualities that may be of great benefit to society. After all, if those aspects of my character that withered into antisocial traits had been well-tended, they might have bloomed into qualities like steadfast courage (as opposed to recklessness), a clear-minded resolve to articulately defend strong convictions (as opposed to a desire to provoke or outrage), and a willingness to stand up for counter-cultural truth at the risk of being unpopular (as opposed to being cruel or ruthless.) After all, I possess these traits too.
Why This Forum?
My aim is to provide a forum for people who want to probe their condition in-depth so as to explore the roots of their problems, cultivate empathy, identify common triggers, find effective ways to deal with anger/rage issues, and overcome the addictive cycles frequently associated with this personality disorder.
This is a place for healing. I admit that I am not fully healed of this condition. I cherish my sin, and in many ways, my sin still lords it over me. But I desire to want to change. I welcome insights from everyone. You will not find any judgement here.
Please note: my aim in creating this blog is not altruistic; I will be posting primarily about my own experiences, so that I have a means of being real without hurting anyone. Hopefully, writing about my antisocial patterns and tendencies will have some therapeutic value, allowing me to purge them, and to integrate or sublimate them in a way that does not harm others. I have trouble connecting with people and often feel as though nobody quite understands where I am coming from. This is a way for me to reach out without getting too close, in a way that is comfortably anonymous. In this manner, I can permit myself to be completely honest about my past and present, which is delightfully liberating.
If my experiences can help someone else, all the better. The Spirit moves in mysterious ways, and my way is to always give Him room. So feel free to read and peruse to your heart’s content, or find some other place to explore. (Here, I’d like to give a nod to M.E. at www.sociopathworld.com, who has a very insightful blog encompassing a treasure trove of information that helped me a great deal. Thanks.)
I will carefully guard my anonymity and I will not, under any circumstances, divulge personal information that might serve to identify me in real life, so please do not ask. If you recognize my testimony and for whatever reason you have stumbled onto this forum, please do not mention it to me in real life. I do not wish to be confronted or identified, nor do I wish to hear about your personal struggles in this regard, other than anonymously, on this blog. And rest assured that I pose absolutely no threat to anyone in society at this point in my life.
What’s YOUR story?
While I intend to draw primarily from my own experiences in writing this blog, I would love to hear your story. Do you struggle with ASPD? If so, do you desire to get better?
Please feel free to post and share. I will comment as I am able.
Healing ASPD 